Some in the middle of the night thinking...

Most of the time, I'm my own worst punisher and most judgmental of my actions and especially my mistakes. I will get angry at myself, no matter how small a mistake I make. It's stupid and I know that, but I just can't stop doing it.

Through my life (especially my adulthood) I've tried to live my life following this one "mantra": "As long as everyone else is happy and content, it doesn't matter what happens to me." Again, stupid and self harmful, I know. And yet, I cannot think in any other way.
I try to live my life and do my work the best I can and in a way that doesn't bring harm, or more work for others, because of my actions. When things won't go that way, and I've accidentally caused some kind of trouble, no matter how big or small, to others, it breaks my heart. At those moments I loath myself, blame myself and verbally abuse myself to NEVER do something like that again. It's stupid and crazy and trust me! I know it is. I just can't stop doing it.
I know that we make mistakes so we can learn from them and improve ourselves. I don't mind making silly mistakes that make people laugh and brings joy to them. It's the harmful ones I fear. It's almost like a phobia. Failing, letting people down, especially those that I care about: Family, friends, working mates. I will do everything in my power to make their lives at least a little bit easier and happier.